*Deep breath in, deep breath out.*
You never know how something like this will feel until it happens to you. I had glimpses before – physical harassment, groping, mild assault. And then something big happens, and it changes you, and changes how you will interact with the world for a long time, maybe forever. And you’re travelling, maybe alone, maybe long term, and you have to pick up the next morning, and keep going, and keep meeting new people, feeding yourself, getting on the right bus, getting through the day as well as you can.
If you’ve come to this page because this is you, I’m truly sorry. I’ve been there. If the worst has happened, you now have the question “what do I do if I’ve been raped while travelling?” It’s in no way a nice question, but there are things to do, and ways to cope. I’ve given my own experience here of the things I wish I’d known at the time, and the things that I found through trial and error that helped me get to where I am today. Of course, this is very subjective, but I’ve tried to be as honest as I can with my experience in the hope that you can relate and get some help or at least comfort.
THE DAY AFTER
My emotions: guilt, shame, denial, shock.
Steps to take: Is there any chance you can have been drugged? Was it violent? Go to the hospital, get medical help, get blood tests and swabs taken. Go to your embassy (but with the precautions below). Take the morning after pill if necessary.
When I returned to the UK and had a full checkup at a sexual health clinic, which included me having to give a full report of what had happened. They told me I should have reported it to X country’s embassy anyway, as it then goes on a list of statistics about safety for travellers. However, this wasn’t my priority at the time (and he wasn’t a national of that country) and I understand if it’s not yours. Again, put yourself and your needs first.
Try and take a bubble bath, or a bath with essential oils, or just a bath. I’m not normally a bath person, but in the week that followed they really, really helped.
THINGS TO CONSIDER
Are you in a western country? What are the laws for women? If you’re in the UAE, parts of Africa, or apparently even Ireland (where I’m now based) you can actually be prosecuted yourself. In which case, avoid your embassy, avoid the police, and look after yourself. Get back to your country if possible, and go from there.
Remember: 97% of rapists never receive any punishment, and 54% are never prosecuted. I’m not telling you not to prosecute if possible, I’m just saying that it’s not usually that simple.
A common reaction when I started opening up to friends, especially male friends, was did you go to the police? Why didn’t you go to the police? You should go immediately! I felt attacked. While I realise they were only trying to help and look out for me, the man in question was nomadic, wasn’t a national of the country in which it had happened and wasn’t a national of a country that supports women. I didn’t know his real name, I didn’t know have a way to find him, and I also didn’t have evidence. My word against his in the court of a country which would definitely not have put the woman first? Ha. It would have caused me a huge amount of emotional distress, when what I needed was to look after myself. Again, although the first response might be to want an eye for an eye, consider if it’s a) even possible and b) going to cause you yourself more harm than good. I’m sure I’ll get some heat for saying that prosecuting isn’t a priority, but consider the country, the situation, and the collateral damage for yourself before running to the police. Do some research if necessary. Look at the Stanford swimmer case recently (which, incidentally, was ridiculously triggering and caused me to temporarily leave social media). The amount of victim blaming that happened was insane, and that’s in a case with cast iron evidence. Men – if a woman is unconscious, throwing up, falling over… leave her the fuck alone. Simple.
IF YOU GO TO A HOSPITAL
I waited a little too late, until an awkward stage – too late to test for anything in my system in the 24 hours after the incident, too early to test for STIs. They could check me over (I had been hurt and had a strange pain for several months afterwards) but that was about it.
I ended up in an Italian hospital. It was chaotic and stressful and took an entire morning. I know it needed doing, but trying to communicate what had happened to me through Google translate to a random staff member is making me tear up just thinking about it.
Italy, and many other countries in the major cities, have a hotline to call when they get this sort of case, and they will refer you to a women’s clinic with a lawyer and a psychiatrist. Because I wasn’t in Italy when it happened, the lawyer wasn’t a thing for me. And in fact I never went, because I didn’t especially trust that there wouldn’t be another very stressful language barrier.
Can you fly home? While my first instinct was to keep going and not let this affect me or my plans, which were already in motion for the next few months, a week back in the UK to be properly checked over would have helped. Nearly half a year later, I still have (thankfully mild) PTSD that I’m finally having to turn around and deal with, and I’m thinking maybe I should have done this sooner. Don’t take what’s happened to you lightly, and don’t be afraid to reach out for help.
THE FIRST WEEK AFTER
My emotions: guilt and shame subsided to confusion and immense sadness about why anyone would want to make another human being feel this way. I had barely spoken or made eye contact with anyone else for 5 days. Eventually, this turned into anger. Honestly, although I’ve largely recovered I’m still immensely, burningly, incomprehensibly angry. I think of all the emotions it’s the healthiest, though.
IN THE FOLLOWING MONTHS
Stay off social media as much as you can. It’s too unpredictable. You can be scrolling down your newsfeed: cute cats, food, recipes, and then boom a triggering article or video about rape/sexual assault jumps out at you with no warning. It can wreck your whole mood for the day, and just isn’t worth it for the cute cat videos.
Avoid people who have a negative influence on you. This is good life advice, but now more than ever. In the months following the incident, when I met people with personality types opposite to my own I would normally have ignored them, perhaps become a little irritated. Instead, I started experiencing panic attacks, insomnia, and shaking with fear when I allowed one of these people into my life for too long. When travelling, it’s difficult to control your environment and who you meet. If you need, stay in one place or find a way to get into the countryside away from people.
People often ask me when they hear the sh** that’s happened: “Will you travel alone again? Will you travel again?” My answer is always the same: “Hell yes!” I have had so many amazing, life changing experiences through travel and through my style of travel, and I would never, ever want to lose any of those to also lose the negative things that have happened to me. At the end of the day, they’re a chance for me to grow, develop and become stronger.
TALK TO FRIENDS, TALK TO PEOPLE, TALK ONLINE, ASK FOR HELP
I absolutely cannot emphasise this enough. Thankfully, I have an amazing network of friends all over the world who were incredibly supportive and really pulled me through in the first few weeks. One flew in to be with me for a few days in Rome, and in the days before that a woman I had never met – the friend of a friend – invited me to stay with her and her parents in their apartment in very rural Tuscany. I’m very lucky in that this was what set me on the road to recovery, but this would never have happened had I not started opening up to people and asking for help.
More than that, the more I talked to people about what had happened the more I realised it was not my fault. It was not me. I in no way should ever blame myself for what had happened. It allowed the anger to start, and for me to feel strong again, and not broken.
I became weirdly efficient at updating people on what had happened to me, casually telling them over a Facebook message, WhatsApp, or in person over a catch up lunch when I came back. There is simply no good way to tell people if it’s something you want to share when they ask: “so, how are you?” No one is prepared to hear it, either. I often found myself reassuring them. It’s a weird, surreal, and very uncomfortable situation, but each close friend I had in the loop was another ally and a weight off my chest.
If you don’t feel comfortable telling people you know, reach out to people online. I’ve seen posts in Facebook groups before from women who’ve had an incident on the road. They’ve been met with huge amounts of support and love, and offers of help. For every one person who’s the scum of the earth who did this to you, there will be 500 others who want to help you and raise you up again. Allow yourself to trust human nature again. Just do it. Believe me, telling people will be such a relief.
And remember – as mentioned above, 54% of rapes are not reported. And 1 in 5 women in the US has been a victim of rape. You will be shocked when you start opening up by the number of people who say oh yes, me too. While it’s horrible to hear that others have suffered in the same way you’re suffering, it means that empathy is there, and support is there. Do what you need to find it. Look after yourself.
FINAL THOUGHTS
I found myself worrying a lot that I wasn’t responding how I ‘should’ be to what had happened. For example, I landed myself in a relationship which didn’t last long and which I soon realised I was in for the comfort, the safety, and to avoid being seen as ‘available’ by ‘dangerous’ men. (For context, I’ve been happily single and independent for 2 1/2 years, so suddenly entering a monogamous relationship is very out of character).
I was ashamed and embarrassed to admit I was dating again already, as the response from one female friend was ‘I wouldn’t be okay with a man touching me for at least a year!’
I understand now that this was my personal coping strategy. This was my way of finding a way through. Do what feels right for you, and get the help that you need. Equally, I’ll think I’m doing fine, and then find myself having a panic attack, or ridiculous levels of anxiety. There is no timeline of recovery. I have to remind myself this regularly.
Resources:
50 actual facts about rape *triggering*
Hotlines:
For America: https://www.rainn.org
For Ireland: http://www.rapecrisishelp.ie
For the UK: http://rapecrisis.org.uk
Still don’t know who to contact?
I check my emails regularly. I’m not great at replying to people asking me for English Teaching career advice, but I will reply to you as soon as I physically can if you email me on this topic needing help. And I will never judge. [email protected]
DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SHARE?
This is just my from my personal experience. If you’ve had something happen and you found something really helped you through that I haven’t mentioned, please let me know and I would love to add it to the end of this post to give more help and hope.
PIN THIS:
The more I can get this post out and shared, hopefully the more I can help.
Image: Stock photo by Himanshu Singh Gurjar
